apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
