Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
