Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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