Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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