____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
