he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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