I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
