Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
