the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
