I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
