Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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