Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
