I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
