Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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