I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
