I seem to have left my pride at pride
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
