I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
