??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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