my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
