I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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