Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
