P.S. I can't hear my feet
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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