she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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