Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
