do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
