This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
