If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
You're earring is so big in my mouth
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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