I didn't shave. On purpose
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
