Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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