Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
