okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
