I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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