Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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