My friends, they love my intelligence
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Randomize
