I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
