8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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