Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
