I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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