i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
