Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
