he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
