she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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