Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
