That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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