listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
