if you like me you must not know who I am
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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