he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
