Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
