I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
