Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
