I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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