fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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