people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
