We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
